Resident Evil is one of my favourite game franchises of all-time.  Sure, they’ve put out a few stinkers (I’m looking at you, Resident Evil: Survivor), but the core titles of the series have consistently pleased me.  It should be stated here that I have kind of a “thing” about zombies.  More than ghosts, or serial killers, or murderous aliens, zombies are the scariest thing I can think of.  I’ve tried to rationalize this to various people over the years, with varying results, but it basically boils down to the fact that you can never win against zombies, because everyone you lose joins the other team, so to speak.  There is no escape, they will find you and eat your brains.

Anyways, after over a decade of playing Resident Evil games, I’ve learned a thing or two (actually, seven) which I would like to share with you.

1. Zombies are usually slow, but sometimes they are very fast.  It may be tempting to assume that all your zombie enemies will adopt the same lurching, ponderous gait that you see most often, due to the fact that they are basically deteriorating all the time, and their muscles are full of holes.  However, you should be aware that occasionally you will encounter a zombie that will be very fast, for no particular reason, so be prepared.

2. Head shots = Best shots.  They may be dead, but zombies still must possess some sort of central nervous system, which means they need a working brain.  Shotguns have proven to be detrimental to maintaining brain function.  After you’ve downed a zombie with a headshot, you’d do well to also light them on fire, as it keeps them from re-animating.  Remember, they’re already dead, so you can’t really kill them.

3. Zombies cannot open doors.  I guess this disproves the old adage “you are what you eat”, because zombies eat a lot of brains, and it sure isn’t making them any smarter.  They may lay siege to your zombie-free hideout by just standing outside of the closed door, and forcing you to emerge eventually, but the idea of doorknobs is completely incomprehensible to the undead.  Don’t think they won’t burst through a window, though.  They are all about bursting through windows.

4. Keys are for chumps.  If I was building a genetic research facility, first thing I would do is get rid of keys.  Same with swipe cards, combination locks, all of that stupid stuff.  If someone wants to open the door to my office, I don’t see why they shouldn’t have to use a crank.  Not just any crank, though, that wouldn’t be secure enough.  We’re running top-secret experiments in this place, can’t have just anybody wander in off the street.  The crank would be in pieces, obviously, and each piece will be hidden in a different corner of my mansion/lab.  Those rooms will only be accessible by collecting a series of crests, or gears, or statues, or what-have-you.  Come to think of it, this system may have dissuaded zombies from wanting to open doors in the first place.

5. Why have one basement when you can have 15?  Explored both floors of a two-storey house?  Good, you’re about 5% done the game.  In the interest of wasting money, it seems that zombie creators prefer houses to be mostly underground.  When you’ve hit sub-basement 8D, you’re about halfway there.

6. Umbrella Corporation… WTF?  This is particular to the Resident Evil brand of zombie, but seriously, what the hell is their deal? They keep making new viruses, and every single one of those viruses produces zombies.  I get that the first time they were trying to make something good, but after it failed a couple times, you think they’d shut’er down.  It’s not just them, either.  The world is apparently teeming with cults/corporations who do nothing but spend millions of dollars on zombie making.

7. Brains.  You have them, zombies want them.  I’m not sure why this is, but brains are like zombie caviar.  Sure, they’ll settle for a chunk of neck, or a bit of ankle, but what they’re really after is brains.  In the native zombie tongue, this is pronounced “braaaaaains”.  Other than general groaning, I think brains is the only word that zombies know how to say.  So while it’s possible that they’re just expressing themselves, and don’t really hunger for brains at all, you’d be smart not to wait around to find out.

Okay, now that I’ve imparted to you my vast knowledge based on years of zombie research, you’re all ready for Resident Evil 5, which hits stores on March 13th.

You guys should probably heed the sage advice of Julie; she has experience in this area.  If it seems like all you’ve seen us write about over the last month are zombie-related games (Dead Space, Condemned 2, Silent Hill: Homecoming), you’re not crazy.  We have been on a tear lately when it comes to killing the undead.  While we’re currently working on something that isn’t zombie related, you can rest assured that the recently acquired Left 4 Dead isn’t very far down the queue.  With Julie’s tips, we should be able to make it through alive…or…wait…am I already a zombie.  BRAINS!