Happy Valentine’s Day! For some people, February 14th is an opportunity to show someone they care about just how special and important they are. For others, it’s a dumb made-up holiday created by greeting card companies. Here at the completionist.com HQ, it’s the perfect excuse to put in a full day of serious gaming.
Whatever your level of cynicism, I’d like to help you celebrate this special day (or stupid commercial scam), by presenting this list of the top five video game love matches. To be clear, these are matches that I would make, not matches that currently exist. It’s more fun that way.
1. Master Chief (Halo) & Samus Aran (Metroid). Neither one is much of a conversationalist, but who needs words when you’re a cybernetically enhanced fighting machine? I can’t even begin to imagine all the things these two have in common, but there’s enough nerdy fan fiction out there that I don’t need to. A league of losers has already imagined it for me.
2. Mario (Super Mario Bros) & Mama (Cooking Mama). I think Mario has set his sights too high with Princess Peach. After 25 years, you think he would clue in that she’s not really interested. He obviously loves to eat pasta, and I happen to know that Mama is a damn fine pasta chef. Neither of them speaks English very well, and Mario’s docile nature will go well with Mama’s unexplained fits of rage. They’re perfect for each other.
3. Chopin (Eternal Sonata) & Falsetto (Eternal Sonata). There’s no real reason behind this match, other than that they were my two favourite characters from one of my favourite games of all time. It’s a way better match than Chopin and Polka, which is gross because he’s 35 and she’s 13. Preferably, this hook up would result in Eternal Sonata figurines being produced by some reputable toy company. Why don’t those exist? Why?!
4. Luigi (Super Mario Bros) & Princess Daisy (Super Mario Land). Luigi has long been my favourite Nintendo character, and I’ve always found it highly unfair that he has to live in his brother’s big fat shadow. Doesn’t he deserve a princess of his own? Mario is consistently willing to travel to the ends of the earth (or occasionally beyond), to save Peach, often dragging Luigi along with him. I think it’s high time that Luigi chased his own love interest through a series of castles, only to rescue her at great personal expense for little or no reward (except maybe a kiss on the cheek). If he’s lucky, Daisy might be less of a frigid bitch than Peach is, and he’ll actually get some love for his efforts. Lord knows Mario never will.
5. Square Block (Tetris) & Companion Cube (Portal). If only the Companion Cube hadn’t been incinerated, I think it could have been true love for these two. Think of all the stacking they could have done. I weep.
